Why Chinese food at Vietnamese weddings?!?!??
Seriously people, ever since I could remember, Vietnamese weddings here in the US always end with a banquet at CHINESE restaurants with CHINESE food. Why???? Yes, I know Chinese food is cheap and can be mass produced and yes Chinese restaurant are designed so that every patron are packed inside like sardines in a metal can, but seriously! Now as a disclaimer, I don’t have anything against anything Chinese. If you know me any better, I prefer Chinese anything over Vietnamese anything any day. But if you really put your head together, you can totally have a Vietnamese banquet at a Vietnamese wedding. I know it’s a radical idea, but hear me out.
If I ever going to marry a Vietnamese girl (highly unlikely), I will insist on Vietnamese food just to be a rebel and go against the norm. First, we would have lots of spring rolls. I mean lots! Even ones you make yourself. Of course, you must have peanut sauce to go with it as well, so at each table, we’ll give a pack of peanuts and let the eaters manually crush the peanuts themselves with those ghetto wooden grinders. For vegetables, each eater have a free pass to pick vegetable from Vietnamese homes. Chances are, if you know a Vietnamese person living on a land with at least an inch by inch square of soil, there is going to be home grown vegetables there. Guaranteed. So for my wedding, everyone gets a pass to go pick vegetables in Dorchester. We must have fish because our ancestors were mostly fisherman. Fish in tomato sauce. Fish in Hoisin sauce. Fish in ketchup with rice. Whatever. Since we’re in the US and not Vietnam, every eater gets to catch their own fish but it must be BELOW legal limits allowed. Seriously. In Boston, you can’t catch a fish and take it home if it’s below 17 inch long but since this is a VIETNAMESE wedding, you’re not going to follow the rules and bring home the 9 inch and half fish anyways and bake it and bring it to the wedding. If the State Troopers catch you doing it, you just bust out your fobby accent and pretend you can’t read because chances are State Troopers in Mass. all assume Vietnamese people can’t speak proper English anyways. It’s wrong, but fight the system! We totally have to have fish sauce. At every table, instead of a small pint of fish sauce, bring out a gallon of fish sauce. In fact, since Vietnamese people reuse and recycle everything, put the fish sauce in the milk gallon jugs and serve it to every table! Forget Chinese green tea, we need fish sauce green tea latte grande with extra shot and whipcream! By the end of the night, I get more patients because everybody will be having hypertension due to the fish sauce and they will come to me for atenolol and other beta blockers. Of course, we must have pho at the wedding. Pho everything. We can serve first chicken pho, then beef pho, then pork pho, then Spam pho, lamb pho, and end it with pho with ketchup and rice and hot dogs. Yes, we eat hot dogs with rice, get over it. Instead of Chinese wedding cakes from Chinese bakery in Chinatown, we’ll have Vietnamese sandwich (banh mi) as the dessert. Yes it’s not filling, and not sweet and if you order them from Dorchester, there might be questionable meats there that you don’t want to ask about, but Banh Mi and Pho is about the only thing non-Viets know about Viet food. We GOT to have egg rolls. Now there is an ongoing debate for million of years whether egg rolls come from China or Vietnam, but ours are made with love! And MSG. And high cholesteral giving, heart attack inducing, artery clogging, obesity causing ‘vegetable’ oil.
So there! Actual Vietnamese food at a Vietnamese wedding! It’s almost revolutionary! WHO’S with me?!! ARE YOU WITH ME?!?
All I need now is a Vietnamese girl who shares my crazy obnoxious sense of humor….